The Burn in my heart!

Disclaimer :  I believe certain emotions are instantaneous. Some last, some doesn't, some fades away with time as if it never existed. So in an attempt to remind myself of all the emotions i felt, i started writing.I initially wanted to write it down as a short story or maybe you can say i wasn't sure whether to expose my vulnerabilities or not. But then i realised self-love isn't fictional, its real. 

August 21,2019

Today was  a very different day. I don't know whether this particular day has any influence or significance in my life or anyone's life at all. But I do know one thing. What I felt today was strong and crazy. Don't worry I'm not talking about any Crush or infatuation. Its something deep and mysterious that lies within me. It's only known to me. I have never in my life shared this with anybody. It was devastating, depressing, consoling panicky (is that even a word?) and magical. Odd combination of words, isn't  it? But that's how i felt. Just like i mentioned before its crazy(NASTY!)

I'll start from the beginning. I was determined to study hard for the test i had on the next day. My family had our usual chitchat time by the evening. It was a fun moment. But then, while talking about many things our talks somehow landed on me. Negative comment of me doing bad at  certain things popped up. I was enraged, especially given that i had terrible mood swings at the time my reaction wasn't surprising.

Of course i didn't show it outside but inside i was runnin' a  hurricane! (Lil' bit of exaggeration is fine, right?)

Anyhow, i felt offended. I snapped back something at them and went  to my room.

I had a little bit more portion to cover for the  test  that  i had the next day but my mind was stained with anger.

For no particular reason, i took out my phone and opened IG, the first post that popped up was of a girl. (of  about my age) I saw her lean frame and felt terrible because i was really insecure about my fat ass!

(Now some of you will blame me for comparsion and  other stuff but trust me we've all  been there. Nobody's born great. Im not that cool as i want to be.)

With much effort i had managed to lose  some weight around that time, but at that moment  the picture triggered serious pain of low self esteem . (Honestly i felt like a pumpkin then. But now that i think of it, pumpkins are beautiful as well.. )

Next thing that i did was go stand in front if my mirror. I observed my self. My bloated tummy protruding out stretching the fabric of my top, my double chin, my layered skin on the neck, my round hunchy shoulder, my puffed face and my sad eyes were all i saw in the reflection. I felt ugly, i stared into my eyes. I didn't wanted to do anything  at that instant. 

I kept telling myself that its the PMS and that the feeling would  fade away, but it did not.(To be frank, everyday felt like PMS. I felt like any emotion i had was meaningless, it was just the clash of hormones! But you're always left  to go through or sometimes[and in my case quite often] endure the consequences it brings with it.) 

I literally pitied myself. I looked into my own eyes and thought how much of a pitiful and stupid creature i was. Words are not enough to express the emotion i had then. I had a burning sensation all over my chest as if there was acid in  there. 

"It hurts..." 

"It hurts."

I kept whispering. I wanted to cry but i did not. I knew crying and sobbing would make me feel better but it felt like my body enjoyed the pain.It must have thought that i didn't deserved it. ( There were other times when i wanted pain, an ache in the chest  as the aftemath of an emotional turmoil. ) But trust me, the pain bores you. At some point you just want to get rid of it and feel nothing at all.Feel empty inside.

The burn in my chest increased as i thought about how dissappointing i was. I thought of how my friends did hurtful things behind my back and how they were indifferent to my sincere approach. Above all i remembered how i cried when i learnt that every single  one of them betrayed me. The fact that i let those people have the worth of my tears made me feel even more terrible. Made me feel like the worst creature in the world. I hated my self for crying for those ingnorant people and now when i really  need  it, my body is not ready to cry for me. Im crazy.

I sat down on my desk in an attempt to study. But my mind was restless. I couldn't control it so i gave up my books turned off the lights and crawled into the bed for i knew that i could escape the pain if i fell asleep. But my disobedient body despite all my pleas refused to fall asleep. It made me hurt evenmore, thinking  of  how i have no control over anything, anything at all in my life.

Then i started remembering everything again. At that moment, i longed for somebody to be there beside me, consoling me. I wanted some hand patting my head, telling me that 'it's all okay'. But no.

At this point, i understood why people say that we're all alone in life (as a whole journey)

I had nobody to share this with. To share the fact that pain clawed its appalling long nails into my heart during some of my vulnerable nights.

I was home but none in my family knew about this state of mine.

But that's good  because i was in my most vulnerable condition then. I couldn't afford to even think of someone else knowing about all this crap.I don't think I'll ever find anybody in my life to whom I'll expose this side of mine. I know that everybody have  some such parts of them but no matter what, it hurt. 

The burning increased immensely. I started to rub my hand over the other hand's elbow, telling myself that

 "its okay, you'll do fine." 

"You have time, we can do this." 

Even when none in the world loves you, I'll love you always. You've got me and i've got only you.Dont worry. Let yourself free. I love you"

These are the things, i told myself. 

(Trust me guys if i was to see somebody talking to themselves like this before being in this condition, "Thats a total bullshit, bro! " would be my reaction. Just in case if you felt like that while reading this, you are not to blame)  

A tear drop fell from my eyes and the burning was getting soothed. I dont know how to explain this emotion nor do i know the right term that would describe it. Its something like the feeling you get when you drink water after days or weeks of tiring work under the sun or maybe like how your muscles relax as you fall and melt down on to the warmth of you bed after a real hard workout. 

No, it's none of the above. Its a new weird feeling. It was special. 

I turned to the other side and hoped to fall asleep as i consoled myself. I wanted to cry more. I prayed to god. Suddenly a song came to my mind, the one my mum used to sing to me and my brother while  she tried to put us to sleep when we were kids. 

It was a  song of gratitude to god for all the blessing he had gifted throughout the day. It was a song specifically sung before sleep. It prayed for forgiveness and love. 

It prayed to wash away all the pain  in one's  tears. 

I could feel the sensation i had when my mom sang this song with her hands patting the little of my head with love and care. I felt her warmth. I felt her scent, i felt her hand patting me. I knew my body remembered it, the feeling. The memory of this loving sensation flashed in my head. 

I kept humming the song like a whisper and started to weep and sob into my pillow. I missed her love and warmth. She's always with me but im sure she doesn't know about this side of mine but the memory consoled me. It liberated me. My tears flowing. The side of the blanket and my pillowcase were soaked in tears. The burning was completely soothed. Only a slight inkling of grief existed in the nooks of my heart and i dont know the reason. In my imagination, i visualised it as a small pale yellow chunk surrounded by huey black or dark grey coloured  stratum.

Tears kept falling and i started to think about all the moments of the day.  I was shocked to learn that i had been through all kinds of emotions in that particular  day. 

There were determination, faith, aspiration, anger, loneliness, happiness, joy, pride, insecurity, dissappointment, devastation, hate, pitty, pain, consolation, sympathy, the  strange emotion that id call the burning sensation, and love! 

At this point i even thought that, it was the time for me to die because so many emotions all together made me feel crazy. 

Then i realised that it would  be good if i die at that   moment. I will never have to encounter the pain again. But the fact that i won't see myself as the person whom i always aspired to be, made me hate the idea of death. I wanted to see my self in my best version or the better version in the future. 

I turned myself to the other side as the pillowcase was wet and the skin on my face felt cold.

I wanted to sleep but my mind kept wandering around. I then realised that this day though not very important, was  special. I have no reason to feel this way. (i told you, im crazy. )  Maybe today, i learnt the meaning of 'loving yourself'. Its been the biggest challenge in my life. But i desperately want to love myself. I understood that loving oneself was not the aesthetic admiration but about patting your own shoulder and telling youself that IT'S OKAY. But im sure  i did not 'invent' this feeling. The love my mother gave me, made me do this, made me realise this. The  love she gave  still exist in me, in my memory  and i discovered this, that night.  Its the love around you that reflects on you. 

At some point, i fell asleep. I dont know whether i cried myself  to sleep or not but im sure i was loved, i felt loved and LOVE PUT ME TO SLEEP. 

P.S: I do have sincere friends and family. And i love them, n i pricelessly cherish them!